Umm..still here

So I read back over my “Starting 2014 with Hope!”. I was certainly determined to find a way to express myself here in this space.
The reality is, it’s February 21st and I have pages and pages of journals from the past month. However, I have not felt a great desire to get online and share what’s on my mind.
I don’t know, I read a lot of parenting blogs. They bring me some amount of humor and help. I just feel like I’m not sure how I can contribute to the discussion.
I have had some tough ups and downs this week. We’ve been iced in. The kids have not gone to school in a week.
I felt pretty isolated and low this morning. But, I got up. I made breakfast for my husband and I. I cleaned up the kitchen from where the 12 year old had made breakfast for the rest of the family. I went grocery shopping. I made cake pops with the children. I posted a selfie.
I feel like I’m going to pull off the day today.
The kids are watching TV now and the critical voice in my head wants to bitch about that. I want to tell myself that a better mother would be playing board games, teaching some lesson, interacting. But, right now, I feel like maybe that’s OK. Maybe the children sharing a living room. Maybe I don’t have to go be the center of their worlds right now. Maybe I’m not supposed to.

Starting 2015 with Hope!

Well, 2015.  It’s a new year, and I am trying to make an effort to get serious about blogging.  It has taken a great deal of inner work and it is a tenuous statement, but I am excited about the future.

I have tons of things to be thankful for, 2014 was a transformative year for me.  I found myself drawn to meditation and to the Center for Action and Contemplation.  In my most confused and dark time, light and direction were once again offered.

I begin to hope that through the grace of Christ I will in fact be able to offer something of value to the world around me.  This seems like such a simple thing to say, but I recognize that in my deepest heart, I have gone through some serious doubts as to the truth of this statement.

I lost faith in myself as an inherently valuable person.  I struggled with some depression.  There are many small deaths that one can experience throughout life.  I have become awake to the fact that the small ego that competed to be a better mother, wife, person, Christian, etc. has to be put to rest in a painstaking and daily process if we are to grow into the humble and genuine.

I cannot know how I will experience the road ahead.  But I feel assured, I am indeed on the road to growth in wholeness.  I feel assured that in fact, we all are.  I feel assured that love, though it is far more mysterious than I once imagined, is the only reality.

I am grateful for long night and thrilled that in that darkness I found a great company of pilgrims who also searched for the light.

Why don’t I follow directions?

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I am embarrassed to say how many times I have typed “my first” blog entry, hit update and then found that it was still not published. I am still very much on the fence about blogging in the first place so I was just about to give up when I noticed that I had not confirmed my e-mail address and that’s what was holding up the process.
I’ve always struggled with the directions. I look at something and feel like I’ve got the gist and start running away with it.
Anyhoo…I’m ready to join the blogging community.
So, let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am quickly approaching 40. I am afraid I’ve bitten off more than I can chew in life. I have a million blessings but still find time to run into my closet and cry most days.
My DH told me today that “There has to be more to life”. We are fine. He and I. That is, we love each other, we feel we are on the same “team” if you will. But, the job, the kids, our own neuroses…does anyone else out there get the feeling they are trapped in the wheel?
We’re college educated, we try to follow the rules (if not all the instructions), but right now it feels like he’s heading for a heart attack and I’m going to lose my mind.
And I’m not even being hyperbolic. His blood pressure is up and he’s beginning to need medication. I am taking medicine to make sure I sleep at night and keep my thoughts ordered so I don’t have a manic episode.
We want to give so much to our children. We want to give so much to our community and to the world. We both feel exhausted by the life we’re living. He supports our family financially and I am in my thirteenth year of staying at home with our four beautiful healthy children. On the outside, we must look fairly successful. But there is in both of us a kind of nagging self doubt and fear of failing. Fear of failing the kids, our job, one another. I think if we didn’t care we wouldn’t be as afraid.